Confessions of a Daughter

The things I only tell Jesus, and people who will never know me.

Facing My Brokenness

“Jesus Wept” 
John 11:35

As if suddenly, I could see my own brokenness.

I remember how that moment felt, when the realization hit me. It was a moment of deep anguish and grieving. Brokeness is hard to face because it is hard to look at. The truth is, that those unfortunate events, which have long since passed, still presently impact me in ways I would have rather not acknowledged. I was abused and, possibly like some of you reading this today, I had never known how deeply that affected me or how intrinsically it influenced the ways I learned to exist in this world. Abuse is traumatic, and trauma is like breaking a leg. You will walk differently, even after it heals.

Healing is a spectrum.

On the better end, you have people whose leg heals to look normal and function acceptably, but the spot will always be tender. Others find that when the break finally mends, whatever healing that had taken place should hardly be called such. They end up with a hardened version of their mangled and crooked bone; This sedimentation of dysfunction becomes a lifelong burden. In this case, sometimes the only way to get better is to break again and go a different way after. As with any spectrum, most people fall somewhere in the middle of the two extremes. This is true for me.  

On one hand, I wanted them to understand.

Them being the people I love and feel close to: my family, my friends. I wanted them to understand because I felt alone with my brokeness, and I didn’t want to be alone. But on the other hand, I didn’t want them to really understand, because the reality is so painful. I want them to believe I am okay. I want to shield them – because I love them. So I didnt tell them, for a long time. And even now, I have only signalled them, in half-hearted gestures, toward the truth of my brokeness.

What happened has left deep wounds on our hearts, minds, and even bodies.

These wounds are often left unattended and undressed, for decades upon decades after the traumatic events take place. I am not going to talk about a hopeful future because tomorrow is not promised. Even if tomorrow was guaranteed, if you are where I am then you may also be asking yourself “What do I do now?”. If that is the case, we are clearly in the same boat, and I didn’t bring my soapbox on this voyage… so all I have is the comfort that I was given. I write today because I want to offer that same comfort, which I so freely received, to anyone willing to take it.

It was an ordinary night when the Spirit of The Lord came over me.

In this moment, it became evident to me that Jesus has seen me and that He sees me now, and therefore He sees you too because we are no different. More than that; He bleeds with me, and you, as our wounds hang open, leaving trails of crimson red speckles and spots along our paths. In fact, He was with us when it was happening. Every unimaginable moment, he suffered it with me, and you. He wept alongside us, and held us by our hands, with a strength that is intense and immoveable. This is everything He comunicated to me in that moment. To begin taking of this comfort, you must be able to believe it. If you feel you are not yet able to believe, you can ask God for help with that, and He will help you.

John 11:35, “Jesus Wept”

This is the shortest verse in the written Word of God, yet also one of the most powerful statements available to those who have hearts that are still healing. This verse is just one example of a time where Jesus shared in the grief of those whom He loved. With His tears, the God of immovable strength said “I hurt with you ”. The amazing thing about the Bible is that it is the “Living Word of God”. This means that we don’t simply have to read the truth and believe it, but rather, we are given the privilege of living it out and experiencing these truths for ourselves in new ways everyday. We are more than able to encounter the love of Jesus. He will touch your heart in undeniable ways. He will comfort you when you are confused or sad. And He will confirm His Word in your everyday experiences. All of these things become available to you when you accept Jesus as Your Lord and Savior. And as your desire for that personal relationship with Him grows; As you begin to seek Him with your whole heart, you will find Him. He is a friend, our defender, and the lover of our souls.

Unfortunately, the blood from our wounds stains every area of our lives.

Most unfortunate of all, it stains our ability to trust and accept the love that our Creator has for us. I am here to tell you, that the power of God is greater than any wound, and the love and grace of Jesus Christ is so much weightier than the shame, guilt, and anxiety which many of us carry. The steps to recovery are simple but not always easy. The first step is to accept the love of Christ. The second is to Trust Him. And I pray with you, as someone who understands…

“Father, Let us become like children again as we learn how to accept your love and to trust Jesus Christ, which together is able to restructure and restore the way that we exist in this world.”

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 Yours Truly,    

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